It's been over a week since we lost the Tot. There are a few things that I never knew about losing an animal

You have to figure out what to do with the animal after. Tater's body is still at the vet's office. We bought an urn for her that will go in our someday garden. We had to figure out what to have engraved on it. She's getting privately cremated (if we didn't do that, we would get back the ashes of 50 other animals with hers, and if we're going to do this, that's not what either Pete or I want).  

You have to get a death confirmation from the vet to file with your pet insurance in hopes that they'll pay 70% of the vet bill. We spent about $800 in 24 hours to keep her alive, and it was 100% worth it. Unfortunately it didn't work.

I keep playing last Monday over and over in my head trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Why I didn't take her to the vet on Thursday when I was mad that they didn't take her blood when Pete took her Wednesday. But her blood was fine anyway, even when she was dying. How long was she sick? Why didn't we notice?

 None of the details really even matter now. We keep thinking we hear her in the house. I made a sandwich and she didn't appear. She doesn't watch me get ready. It's hard.

I'm sort of surprised at how hard. I always knew that if anything happened to her it would be bad for me, but I didn't expect this. My heart is bleeding. I can't concentrate at work. I'm not sleeping. My chest is tight and I can't breathe. I just hurt really bad and can't really do anything about it. I know it will get better in time, but it sucks.

One day at a time.

They say memories are golden, well, maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill.
If tears could build a stairway and heartache make a lane.
I'd walk the path to Heaven and bring you back again.
-Author Unknown