It’s not that I’m on unemployment, or that I haven’t found a job yet. What got me today was when I had to call the unemployment agency, tell them I had been blogging ("freelance writing") and the guy who owes me money has gone MIA, and the unemployment people tell me I’m SOL, that I won’t get any money this month. From anywhere.<\/p>\n

I don’t know why I tried to hold it together at home. No one is here. I haven’t told Pete yet, because he is going to freak out. And when I called my mom to just say hi, even though I have nothing to talk to her about, since all I do is sit at home applying for jobs, she said, "well your birthday is this week, are you excited?" And I lost it. In the parking lot at Lowe’s, scrunched up in a ball in my driver’s seat, I started to cry and couldn’t stop. Because we can’t even AFFORD to celebrate my birthday. And I don’t want anyone paying for anything for Pete and I, and I don’t really want to do anything because of that. I want this birthday to go unmarked. I feel like there is nothing to celebrate. I just want to know why why why<\/em> they let me go, and I’m trying really hard to stop being angry, but when purchases over $20 are something that Pete and I need to discuss, I just cant’ help it. And now I can’t stop crying. People keep telling me, "Ohh everything happens for a reason." Yeah well. Show me the reason. Because I can’t see it right now. All I can see is a mortgage that is in danger of not being paid because I was stupid and took a freelance job that was supposedly legit.<\/p>\n

I am tired of selling myself. I am tired of having dreams about going to a job interview and my portfolio is empty. I can’t sleep, even though my body is SO tired. I just lay there, listening to Pete breathe, trying to match my breathing to his, because maybe, if I concentrate on that rather then how we are going to make it through this month, I can fall asleep.<\/p>\n

When I got into Lowe’s, I went to put my hands in my pockets (warm up pants today, folks, it’s laundry day) and I put them on backwards. Sigh. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s not that I’m on unemployment, or that I haven’t found a job yet. What got me today was when I had to call the unemployment agency, tell them I had been blogging ("freelance writing") and the guy who owes me money has gone MIA, and the unemployment people tell<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[62],"class_list":["post-350","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1DIlZ-5E","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=350"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/350\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=350"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=350"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lindsaykeegan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=350"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}