It’s not that I’m on unemployment, or that I haven’t found a job yet. What got me today was when I had to call the unemployment agency, tell them I had been blogging ("freelance writing") and the guy who owes me money has gone MIA, and the unemployment people tell me I’m SOL, that I won’t get any money this month. From anywhere.

I don’t know why I tried to hold it together at home. No one is here. I haven’t told Pete yet, because he is going to freak out. And when I called my mom to just say hi, even though I have nothing to talk to her about, since all I do is sit at home applying for jobs, she said, "well your birthday is this week, are you excited?" And I lost it. In the parking lot at Lowe’s, scrunched up in a ball in my driver’s seat, I started to cry and couldn’t stop. Because we can’t even AFFORD to celebrate my birthday. And I don’t want anyone paying for anything for Pete and I, and I don’t really want to do anything because of that. I want this birthday to go unmarked. I feel like there is nothing to celebrate. I just want to know why why why they let me go, and I’m trying really hard to stop being angry, but when purchases over $20 are something that Pete and I need to discuss, I just cant’ help it. And now I can’t stop crying. People keep telling me, "Ohh everything happens for a reason." Yeah well. Show me the reason. Because I can’t see it right now. All I can see is a mortgage that is in danger of not being paid because I was stupid and took a freelance job that was supposedly legit.

I am tired of selling myself. I am tired of having dreams about going to a job interview and my portfolio is empty. I can’t sleep, even though my body is SO tired. I just lay there, listening to Pete breathe, trying to match my breathing to his, because maybe, if I concentrate on that rather then how we are going to make it through this month, I can fall asleep.

When I got into Lowe’s, I went to put my hands in my pockets (warm up pants today, folks, it’s laundry day) and I put them on backwards. Sigh.