I feel like my job broke up with me. The packing up of the stuff, the crying, the apologizing, the shock, the hurt. I can’t sleep and its 6:45 in the morning on a Sunday. My mind just keeps replaying how it all went down. There are so many questions that I have now, that I didn’t ask then, like “Why me? Why did it have to be me?”

I know that for me to be the only one out of our little eight person department to be let go, that there really has to be a reason that it was me. I hate change, and maybe this is God’s way of telling me to move on, giving me a chance to look for something better while being paid to do it. Because when God closes a door, he opens a window. And he always has. I’ve just never had a door be closed on me like this, and I can’t help but be a little hurt. I am applying for jobs, any job, anywhere, because the amount of editorial jobs in Orlando are slim. But I don’t want to move to a new place. My pseudo family is here, and if I move, I want to be able to settle there and have kids someday. I want a home that’s ours that Pete and I don’t have to rent, and I already own this condo. And owe my dad money for it. I know we would probably rent it out for awhile, but I really didn’t want to. And I’m afraid to be so far away from my family. My parents don’t really come up ever though, so it makes me wonder if it really matters where I am to begin with.

In other news, I went to Jacksonville on Friday to see Lyanna and help her clean up some of her stuff. It was crazy. The amount of ash that was everywhere from the fire was just crazy. Inside boxes that were taped shut, in the medicine cabinet that was closed, just everywhere.

A lot of her stuff was ruined, but I’m just glad she wasn’t actually there, asleep when it happened or something. If I lost her in the midst of all this then I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Today I’m meeting up for lunch with some of my work friends, and I don’t even know what to say to them. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s going to be ok, but before it’s ok, I need to feel this out. I always do better when I let myself feel whatever it is, rather than push it out of my mind to try and forget whatever was bothering me in the first place. I am actually getting tired again, so back to bed for a little while.