I am on week three of working both jobs, and I have tried so hard just to suck it up. Just tell myself it’s only temporary. That if my attitude is good, working after work won’t be so bad. Just to accept it as the way things are for right now.

Last night a server yelled at me because apparently we weren’t seating his tables enough. There were only two of us, me and this kid who doesn’t talk much, and he usually busses. The stream of people would get chaotic and then die down, then get chaotic again. Tourists. The managers would freak out when we were on a wait, and just start seating people where there was an open table. Chaos. One server was pissed because he was double sat, and another was pissed because he wasn’t being sat. Because the other host and I had no idea what was going on after the pop because the managers were randomly seating people. So anyway.

He is taller than me, and shoved his way into the host stand so he could look at the chart. He was too close to me when he yelled at me, and I told him to go talk to one of the managers. He said no. So I yelled back, and told him to get away from me and my host stand. He muttered something about hosts not doing our jobs, and stalked off. I was so angry that I had to go to the bathroom and cry, and then "Fix You" by Coldplay came on, and I lost it. In the bathroom of Red Lobster, because the first lyric says, "When you try your best but you don’t succeed/When you get what you want but not what you need/When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep/Stuck in reverse." I wanted to walk out, but if it wasn’t for that paycheck, I wouldn’t be eating or driving for the next two weeks.

I feel raw on the inside today, like someone scraped me up just a little bit and I can feel the ache. I think it’s because I feel like I didn’t sign up for this, and I don’t want to be there, and I’m angry again that I’m there in the first place. And people at real work walk around me, oblivious to how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, and even though I tried to talk about it a few times, I was brushed off. I needed someone to care, and I needed a hug, and since Denis Pete wasn’t readily available I went out to lunch with Brent Travis and Rick, which I needed. I needed some nonsuperficial questions and answers, and some listening, and a hug.

This is only temporary. A year isn’t that long. You do what you have to do to survive.  Just suck it up. Smile for the guests, and hope you make it through tonight without getting yelled at again.