There was a standard of living I thought would continue after graduation. That the way my parents lived would automatically be the way that I lived, because I had a JOB. Since I had this JOB, I would be able to afford life, plus a few little extras, like new clothes from Ann Taylor Loft, or eating out at lunch time with my coworkers.

This is the reality of life after grad. I am a year and a half out right now, and this is what I have:

• A Focus that might die soon, that I can’t afford to replace.
• A job that I love, but that I feel doesn’t pay me enough to live because
• I racked up all my credit cards trying to pay for my doctor appointments and meds, and repairs to said Focus, as well as some frivolous things here and there.
• A townhome that I love, but sometimes regret buying because I wouldn’t be in all this debt to begin with.
• No cable.
• Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and dinner.
• Barely living paycheck to paycheck.
• A second job hosting again.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a hole, and the harder I try to get out of it, the further away the edge is. I call it a black hole. I know that there will be an end someday, and I just keep telling myself, "Hang on for another year, when you and Pete get married it will be ok." But the truth is, I’m scared that even with a second income, it won’t be ok. And a year is a long time. And how am I supposed to plan a wedding and lose weight and work two jobs? And see people? And go home for more wedding stuff?

I feel like it’s me against the world sometimes, and I’m fighting with everything I have just to make it, and it’s not enough. I am not enough. But I know that I am doing the best I can with what I have, and what I do have is more than most people. Some people don’t even have a place to live or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

And so that’s what I’ve been up to lately. Just trying to get through one day at a time, praying that my bank account won’t overdraft, and that the people I babysit for will call me for at least one weekend night so I can last til the hosting job starts.

On a lighter note, I’ve picked up a freelancing job, and an interview for another one, which makes me very happy. My dad just sent me this email, in response to me telling him I got the freelance job.

Keep it up. God is preparing you for
something and that’s why you are getting all these different experiences.

Love You,

Dad

Thank God for parents. They always believe the best for you, even when you don’t believe the best for yourself.