"Are you wearing a bra, or did you burn it?" my boyfriend exclaimed from across the table.

I was explaining some of the things I had learned from Kamy Wicoff’s new book, I Do but I Don’t.

Yes, it’s a book about marriage.

Yes, Peter and I were supposed to be at Jared’s cooking dinner, but I cornered him at Starbucks, explaining that I was not going to let him steal my voice and my power.

Yes, the boys joked about it over dinner.

But I felt alive again. I was arguing and having an intellectual discourse about why I think this woman is brilliant, and everything she says about men and women’s role marriage is true. It is about social constructs. It’s about how I, as a woman, was raised, and how men were raised, and how even though we think up to a certain point that we are equal with men, we’re not.

So I trapped Pete. I couldn’t help it. I was too excited to be thinking about something finally. Did you know that proposals are about power, and the man holds that power, because the woman has to wait? And if she’s vocal about waiting, then people think that she’s desperate, and needy, and clingy? And that the engagement ring was a marketing ploy in the 1930’s? Did you know that even though the engagement ring is a symbol of commitment, it’s also a symbol of how much money the man makes, and how wealthy he is? After I told Pete that he wasn’t going to steal my voice (for the second time), he very cleverly made his bra burning comment. To which I grabbed my purse and said, "I’m leaving." I didn’t, but we "discussed" it some more.

He told Jared about it. I threatened to enlighten Jill, but she’s not a big reader. I told her Jared could read it to her, he would learn something.

When Peter went downstairs to grab a beer, Jared said, "You’re really wanting a ring, aren’t you."

Yes, I want a ring. And I want to be married to Peter. Sooner rather than later. Everyone knows that, and if they don’t, they know now.

But this book? It makes me not feel so crazy. I’m not crazy for feeling torn between my independent self, the woman my parents raised me to be, and the part of me that just wants to be married to him, and take care of him.

Because even though my mother and father told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and that I didn’t need a boyfriend, or to be married, society tells me that I won’t feel secure and complete until I am married. Because back in the day, a woman married a man who would protect her and provide for her. In return, she gave him children and good home cooking. It’s not like that today. We are not in our grandmothers’ generation, where that is expected of us. We also aren’t our mother’s generation, where they may not have been able to do all of the things that they wanted to do, because their parents weren’t clear about what they should do with this new found freedom.

And then there is me. Told to be independent, not wanting to become that girl that wants to be married, but here I am. I’m that girl. The thing that kills me is that I don’t have a say in anything right now, but mom told me I was just as good as any guy, and my opinion counts. But Pete was raised, like most guys, to be the sole provider, to have X amount of money before marriage, and to have certain things before engagement can begin. And so that part of me has to give in, and let it go.

I don’t need to marry Pete, but I want to, because I love him. It’s not the waiting that bothers me. It’s the feeling like I wasn’t allowed to talk about, because no one wanted to listen to me, and I didn’t want to scare him away by putting pressure on  him. So call me desperate and dependent and clingy because I want to be married. Call me what you will. I’ve finally found my voice, and I think that’s what this whole feminist thing is about. Being able to speak and be heard. And it’s nice to know that there are other women out there who feel just like I do, and that I’m OK. So thanks, Kamy, for showing me that I can give my permission to feel the way that I feel, and not feel guilty about it.

Read this book. You will be a better woman because of it.