Basic Rules For Driving In Miami

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Miami driver never uses them

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation

Crossing 2 or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit

Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all s=op signs.

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting or the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting one of those orange Bob’s Barricades.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive body work being driven by a central american. These drivers usually have no insurance so they don’t have anything to loose.

Breaking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway. If you live in Hialeah, sidewalks become another lane of the road.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in Miami during rush hour.

Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Miami driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Miami-Dade County. Not Milam Dairy Road, Biscayne Boulevard, Okeechobee Road, Miami Gardens Drive, South River Drive, and surely not Flagler or Calle Ocho.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire or getting a ticket.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Miami is the home of high-speed swerving thanks to road debris left in key locations by Hialeah handy-men and yard workers. Besides, it’s meant to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in Miami to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes.

Remember that the goal of every Miami driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

Real Miami women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75MPH or in bumper to bumper traffic.

Real Miami men drivers can remove their girlfriend’s panties and bra at 75MPH or in bumper to bumper traffic.

Empty parking spots in shopping malls serve dual purposes as speeding lanes – never drive up and down the aisles without checking who’s speeding through.

In the Miami area, “flipping someone the bird” is considered a polite Miami salute. This gesture should always be returned.

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> South Florida High Schools:
> How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> At Hialeah High it takes 10. One ho to install it, and nine gangeros to
> watch his back.
>
> At Southwest, it takes 1. But the instructions have to be in Spanish.
>
> At Miami High, it takes 5. One to install it while four gang members to
> stare
> him down.
>
> At Belen, it takes 2. One to screw it in, and one to use the old bulb as a
> dildo.
>
> At Gulliver it takes 2. One installs it while the other wipes his ass with
> a
> fifty dollar bill.
>
> At North Miami, it takes none. There is no electricity at North Miami.
>
> At Carrolton, it takes two. One to install it, and one to call her maid
and ask for instructions.
>
> At Palmetto it takes 3. One senior, while her two kids hold the ladder.
>
> At Cutler Ridge it takes one, but he couldn’t read the instructions.
>
> At Ransom it takes 5. One to do it, and four to talk about how they
deserve
> an award for doing it better then anybody else in the state.
>
> At Columbus it takes 7. One to screw it in and six to get piss drunk to
> celebrate.
>
> At Edison it takes 3. 2 to use their voucher to go to a private school and
> learn how. Then one to go back to Edison and-áteach the last guy how to do
> it.
>
> At Lourdes it just takes one girl..screwing is probably her specialty.
>
> At Sunset it takes 5. One to screw it in, and four to figure out how to
> turn
> it into a sport that they can actually play well.
>
> At Southridge it takes the whole damn school to try and figure it out
> before they realize it’s not a socket, but a bullet hole.
>
> At St. Brendan, it takes 10. Nine Lourdes rejects and one Columbus reject.
> They still haven’t figured it out yet.
>
> At Coral Gables it takes 2. One to install it, and one to turn the old
bulb
>
> into a bong.
>
> At Braddock it takes 2. One girl and one guy. After he puts it in, she
> gets
> herpes.
>
> At Killian it takes 3. One unscrews the old bulb and then drops out of
> school. Another brings the new bulb and then he drops out of school.
> Finally the last guy screws in the new bulb, then drops out.