sometimes i wonder if you read this. i never see you online, but then again, i don’t even have your screen name anymore, because you’ve probably changed it. i’ll probably always have mine, and i’ll probably always put away messages up even when i’m old and joining the red hat ladies or whatever. hm. its been almost two years now, and thats weird, because i remember when i went away on vacation for two weeks and it was the longest i had ever been away from you in my entire life. two years of not talking is a lot, and sometimes i feel like part of my childhood is missing because you’re not around, and i never wanted you to be just a part of my childhood. i wanted you to be a part of my now and my always because you were my best friend, and to some extent i think that you still are, even thought it will never be the same. when i was staring in the mirror brushing my teeth this morning i remembered that day you called me and said you had a dream that i was running away from you, and you didn’t like it, and could we please just talk everything out and make up? thank you for being the bigger person, because your dream told you the truth: i was running away, from you and from our group of close friends that surrounded us, from my family, and from everything in miami in general. i’m learning that it’s been something that i’ve been doing my whole life. i’ve been working hard to get through all of this, and i miss you. i miss our friendship. i’m so sorry that it’s been lost and i want more than anything to bring something i’m not sure that you want to salvage, or even how to go about it. i miss your random comments and your laughter and the knowledge that no matter what happens we would be best friends, even if the world fell down around us. i wish you could know how sorry i am, and how sad it makes me. i used to blame everything on you but i’m learning that i contributed to our problems more than i thought i did at the time. hindsight is always better. so i’m going to call you, i think, and i’m nervous about it, and maybe you won’t recognize my voice or my number, and maybe you won’t want to come to a wilderness girls reunion but i hope that you will say yes and that we can start from there. caro says its worth a try, and so does kit. so as soon as i post this, whether you ever read it or not, i’m going to leave the library and give it a shot.