Lindsay Keegan

so its monday, the second to last night that i’m here in mia.

i am so bored. i am so bored. i am so bored.

i’m a bad friend because i have yet to call jon and try and hang out, but all of my cousins have been here so i couldn’t have hung out with him over the weekend anyway.

so here i sit, in my cozy little computer room, feet kicked up on the desk, listening to spin city.

any time i’m in here its reminscent of conversations with kelly while she was in college, or hugo on the icq that i don’t use anymore, or larry. haha. i sit in here and i feel like nothing has changed and i am the same and so is everything else, even though i’m stuck here in miami with no car and i had to con my sis to go prom dress shopping to get a ride to the mall. not really. she took me willingly, to get a bathing suit, to a little brazilian store whose clothes were made for tiny people. my sister is cool. she bought me the skirt i was stalking at old navy for three weeks that was only here in miami in a size 2 after i had searched every store in orlando and the internet, only to come up with a size 4 in white and a size 2 in green, which i didn’t want. she has a tatoo and its cute. we looked for prom dresses, and i think she’s going to pick the one that i almost picked for formal, but it had only come in a size small. simple, sexy, and elegant. great choice by my little sis. it’s crazy that she’s a senior.

i’m really anxious to get my grades. i need to know what they are, and it seems like my teachers have had plenty of time to figure them out since my classes have been over since last wednesday. i can’t believe that i’m already a week into my mini summer. i keep checking online and they’re never there. damn ucf, always so slow about stuff.

and then there’s my panicking about the summer. its a small ball of fear that somehow starts in my chest and rolls up into my throat when i start thinking about things. summer classes. gre. grad school. job? what job. every article in the paper clippings my mom gives me tells me that there are no jobs available now. that national jobs are what i should apply for. i don’t want to leave orlando and i keep feeling this fear of not knowing and having too many choices. grad school or no grad school? will the sentinel hire me? what happens when my dad stops supporting me? what if i get into stetson? vandy? what if i don’t get into ucf? i don’t know. and its half the fun. but for some reason its really freaking me out right now. i like concrete. i like certainty. and the past few days it seems like pete’s voice is the only thing that gives me peace.