so its 2:30 in the morning and i’m awake when i’m so tired that i should be sleeping. but i keep thinking thinking thinking and i’m having a hard time stopping. this has been a mad crazy week for me with school and what not. and yesterday, brent travis got the keys to his first real house. brent has a house! that’s so crazy, because when we became friends freshman year i didn’t expect for him and mandy to get a real house that they bought! its just crazy that so much is changing (hehe..in more ways than just a house!! ;)). this summer is looking like its going to be hell. 12 summer credits, because i’m finally freaking out and finding out how behind i am when it comes to graduating. brent and i always talked about graduating the same time. at this rate, i dunno if its gonna happen or not haha. i have a whole 15 credit hour minor to get out of the way as well as the major, and getting that done in a year and a half is really going to be pushing it. because pete’s right and those editing and newswriting classes really might help me when it comes to getting a job.
and then there was my realization that i don’t know whats going to happen after graduation. because i could go to grad school, but my grades are only ok, and not amazing, and any of the grad schools that i really would want to go to probably wouldn’t except me in their english programs. i’ve always been a b student. i’ve started kinda looking at stetson to see what they might have to offer, because according to the crc website i should be taking my gres this summer and filling out applications in the fall. i can’t imagine not being in orlando. i’ve decided that this is where i really want to stay, but i may not have that option and it scares me. i’ve spent too long establishing a whole new life for myself here and i don’t want to leave it. to many friendships have been forged and based on my experience long distance friendships don’t always work out. its all just making me panic. and i don’t like panicking. i just want to go to my grandma’s in cocoa and hit the beach every day during that break that we have between semesters. because thats going to be the only real summer that i have.
does anyone else get freaked out about everything sometimes? all this getting older and growing up?
so i keep applying for internships and jobs and getting rejected. and i need to like write for the future or something to build a little bit of credibility for myself. but can i handle that with the tennis and the scc and everything else? i feel like i’m not good enough sometimes. that those kids in american novel are all way smarter than me and that i’m not bright and i don’t have anything interesting to say. that the papers i crank out fifteen minutes before class suck. that the people who surround me now won’t be the same forever, because if i do leave the it will be starting over. and i’m that girl that hates change, and will run from it if given the opportunity. i can’t imagine being responsible enough to completely support myself, and the cost of grad school is madd crazy expensive. and i need a job for the summer and i don’t know where i would fit one in. so much so much so much and i don’t know what i can really do about any of it.